Shame. It’s a powerful emotion that can keep us from making healthy choices. Shame is something we all experience at some point in our lives, but when it’s toxic shame, it becomes a problem that keeps us from becoming the best versions of ourselves. In these series of posts, I’ll explore what toxic shame is and how it develops in childhood (and beyond).
But before we get into that: Let’s talk about how shame can be healthy.
Shame can be a healthy emotion because it pushes us to act in a way that makes us feel better about ourselves.
Shame is a healthy emotion because it helps us avoid doing things that make us feel bad about ourselves.
For example, when you’re feeling shame for an action you took or something you said, your reaction might be to say “I’m sorry” or apologize in some way. This can make you feel better about the situation and can repair your relationship with the person(s) involved.
In addition to this kind of immediate response, shame also motivates people to change their behavior so that they don’t experience shame again in the future. For example, if someone feels ashamed after making a racist comment at work (or anywhere else), they may decide not to make another racist comment again so as not to be shamed again by others who hear them speak out against discrimination/racism.
When we do something wrong, shame is what makes us want to make amends and feel better about ourselves.
When we do something wrong, shame is what makes us want to make amends and feel better about ourselves. Shame is not a bad emotion; it’s a healthy one! When we feel ashamed of our behavior, it’s because we don’t want to be seen in that way by others. So when someone else calls us out on something they think is wrong or mean, there’s a chance that feeling of shame may be triggered.
Shame isn’t about how you see yourself as a person—it’s about seeing yourself in certain situations or activities where your actions don’t match up with how you want them to look like. But just because those feelings of shame get triggered doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person! Shame can actually be an important motivator for making positive changes in our lives: if someone is ashamed of their weight and makes steps toward losing weight (like joining a weight-loss program), they’re clearly trying to improve themselves in some way—and that takes courage!
However, when shame is not expressed in a healthy way, it can grow into toxic shame.
However, when shame is not expressed in a healthy way, it can grow into toxic shame. Toxic shame is the feeling that there is something wrong with you as a person. It causes us to feel like we are not good enough and can lead to low self esteem, depression and anxiety.
Toxic shame keeps us from doing things that could make us feel better.
Toxic shame can be the result of trauma as a child that has left you with feelings of unworthiness or not being good enough. Toxic shame keeps us from doing things that could make us feel better, such as exercising, going to therapy, seeking out a mentor or even just asking for help in general. Asking for help requires vulnerability and courage—two things toxic shame will do anything it can to prevent you from having.
Toxic shame also prevents you from loving yourself fully by constantly telling you that no one will love you if they really knew who you were (which is simply not true). Toxic shame is like an internal bully: It tells us lies about ourselves so we don’t trust ourselves enough to take action in our lives or pursue our dreams. The more we listen and believe those lies without questioning them, the more power they have over us and the more likely they are to stick around indefinitely!
It paralyzes you and keeps you from making amends and moving forward.
Shame is a feeling. It can be healthy or toxic. Healthy shame is motivating, encouraging you to make amends and move forward. Toxic shame, however, keeps you paralyzed as it keeps you from making amends and moving forward.
If you feel ashamed of something it’s time to ask yourself: what do I need to do next? Do I need to make amends? Do I need more accountability? Why am I feeling this way right now? What can help me heal in this moment so that my negative feelings about myself don’t fester into something worse later on down the road (like self sabotage or other bad behaviors)?
When you have toxic shame, it doesn’t help you mend relationships or avoid harmful patterns in the future like health shame might.
Toxic shame, on the other hand, doesn’t help you mend relationships or avoid harmful patterns in the future like health shame might. Instead, toxic shame causes you to feel like you’re unworthy of love and belonging. You start to believe that your mistakes indicate something about who you are as a person instead of just being a mistake that can be overcome with time and effort.
The result is a vicious cycle: the more ashamed you feel about something in your past, the less likely it is that you will trust yourself enough to try again in future relationships or experiences; meanwhile, feeling more isolated from others creates even more opportunities for new mistakes which further isolate us from those around us!
Toxic shame can be the result of trauma as a child that has left you with feelings of unworthiness or not being good enough.
If you have toxic shame, you may feel unworthy, guilty and bad about yourself. You might also be embarrassed by your own thoughts and behaviors. Toxic shame can be the result of trauma as a child that has left you with feelings of unworthiness or not being good enough. Toxic shame often has its roots in childhood abuse or neglect and how it was handled in your family when it occurred.
If you are experiencing toxic shame, there are ways to overcome it:
- Talk to someone who understands what you’re going through; they will validate your feelings and help put them into perspective.
- Write down all the things that make YOU special – whatever they may be! This can help remind us who we truly are despite any past experiences that tell us otherwise (i.e., “I’m smart”)
Toxic shame affects so many people’s lives because nobody wants to feel like they are less than everyone else around them — but sometimes our self-esteem gets so low it becomes impossible for us not to define ourselves based upon our shortcomings instead of our strengths!
Some of these experiences in childhood include things like being neglected, abused physically or emotionally, losing someone important too soon, being bullied at school or having others tell you that you’re bad or unworthy.
- Childhood trauma can lead to toxic shame, which is when you feel you are bad and unworthy of love.
- Childhood trauma can also lead to unhealthy shame, which is when someone doesn’t acknowledge that they’ve done something wrong but still makes the person feel guilty about it.
- Unhealthy shame can make people feel like they have to hide their feelings because they don’t want others to know what they did or said. This can cause them to isolate themselves from their friends and family members so no one finds out what happened.
- Unhealthy shame also leads people with low self-esteem because they believe no one likes them or cares about them. This may prevent them from developing relationships with others as well as getting help for whatever issue caused the unhealthy feeling in the first place (like depression).
These are all experiences that can lead to toxic shame as an adult.
In this section, we will be looking at the experiences that can lead to toxic shame as an adult. We will also discuss what toxic shame is and how you can identify it in yourself and others.
In addition, we will discuss the differences between healthy and toxic shame, as well as ways of overcoming feelings of guilt or shame that are not rooted in reality. Finally, we’ll look at some consequences of toxic shame on your life: why they happen and how they affect you (and those around you).
For example:
If my mother didn’t like me when I was little because her own needs weren’t being met by me (e.g., getting attention from my father), I may have internalized that she doesn’t love me or care about me as much as other people’s mothers do/did. It took years for me to recognize this thought pattern for what it was—a coping mechanism developed out of self-hatred stemming from feeling unlovable due to circumstances beyond my control (being born).
For example, if your parents got divorced at an early age, leaving one parent and then the other, who both loved you very much, could cause you to feel like there is something wrong with you as a person which causes people to leave.
For example, if your parents got divorced at an early age, leaving one parent and then the other, who both loved you very much, could cause you to feel like there is something wrong with you as a person which causes people to leave.
Studies show that divorce can be a traumatic experience for children. Children often blame themselves for the breakup of their parents’ marriage. They also often feel like they have done something wrong to cause their parents to break up. Therefore, shame can be seen as a feeling of guilt or remorse about some aspect of oneself (e.g., being unable-to-be perfect in every way) that causes us not only to feel bad about ourselves but also prevents us from admitting it openly because we are afraid others may reject us if they knew how imperfect we were (or still are).
This leaves a child deeply wounded on a place where they cannot even verbalize what’s wrong because they are so young.
When a child is molested and then abandoned by their own parent, that child is left with a number of feelings that they don’t even know how to verbalize. They are left with feelings of shame, guilt and disgust. These feelings can be very damaging if not handled properly.
Child sexual abuse is an emotional trauma for the victim and the family members involved. Even though the abuser may not have been related to the victim in any way (male versus female), it still has devastating effects on everyone in the home who learns about it later on in life when they become adults themselves!
Conclusion
So, what can we do about toxic shame? It’s important to start with awareness—stop and ask yourself how you’re feeling when something triggers you. For example, if your spouse criticizes you in front of others for not doing something right, recognize that the shaming is happening and respond accordingly. If the insults go on for too long without any response from you then it will likely escalate into an argument where neither party wins because they both feel bad about themselves afterwards.